From a spiritual perspective, what is a healthy relationship? Is it one with good communication, or is it one in which you share the same interests? Is there a way to determine what is a healthy relationship? As it turns out, yes, there is.

We all carry fears from past lives into the present. That means we turn up in relationships with baggage not just from this life, but from a whole lot of other lifetimes as well. And it doesn’t take much to trigger, or turn on, those fears.

In my last blog post, I talked about the fear of betrayal. If you suffered betrayal in a past life, perhaps from a cheating spouse, then your soul will come into a new relationship on high alert. Providing nothing happens to trigger the fear, all is well. But it won’t take much to set off alarm bells, and send your soul running to man the lifeboats.

Once the fear of betrayal is triggered, mistrust reigns supreme. It doesn’t take much to do it, either. Your spouse might casually mention having had coffee with an old flame. It’s no big deal. But your soul, looking to the past for reference, senses danger. It becomes suspicious that history is about to repeat itself, and shuts down the heart chakra for safety, like a submariner screwing tight the hatches before diving.

A healthy relationship is one where fears are not present. And even if they are, the first step to creating a happier and healthier relationship is to recognize them and avoid triggering them.

Let’s say you had a past life in which you were treated like you had no value as a human being. (You might have been a slave, or used as a sex object.) If your partner treats you with disinterest, disdain, disparagement or dismissal, you’ll be triggered. Your soul will go back to a past life of inferiority to find some kind of reference, and return to the present with the memory of a time when you had no sense of self worth. Then, instead of dealing with your partner’s abusive behavior, you’ll allow yourself to revert to a place of submission or victimization.

But let’s say you did some work with me, and you know about your past life of mistreatment. Now when your soul looks back for reference, the past life is no longer “up.” It returns with a different message. Instead of saying, “I’m powerless to stand up for myself,” it says, “Treat me with the respect I deserve!”

Even if you haven’t had the opportunity to explore a past life with me, just recognizing when you or your partner is being triggered can be a major step towards avoiding friction in a relationship.

If your partner has a lifetime of abandonment in the past, they might be triggered by broken promises. When you say you’ll be ten minutes late, and then roll in four hours later, causing their fear to be triggered, they might shut down for protection.

What is a healthy relationship? It’s one in which both parties treat each other with compassion, kindness, and respect.

It also helps to know what kind of past-life traumatic events you’re dealing with. A fear of betrayal causes mistrust, as we’ve seen. If you’re wondering what past-life trauma you or your partner are dealing with, then look at the triggers.

If your partner responds to a request with the words, “Don’t tell me what to do!” then they’re working on a past life as a slave or prisoner. If you worry you’ll have to raise the kids alone when your partner is ten minutes late (and certain they must have had a terrible accident), you’re dealing with a fear of loss. And if you get triggered by your partner’s sexual advances, or lose interest if you’re touched a certain way, you might be carrying trauma from a past life of sexual abuse.

The key to understanding what is a healthy relationship, and to creating one for yourself, is to remember that we’re all the result of scores of incarnations, and no one is free of the effects of what I call past traumatic stress. Be gentle with your partner when he or she is triggered. Ask yourself what might be the underlying cause. Discuss the fears and triggers, and learn how to avoid triggering them. (This doesn’t mean walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting someone. It means not behaving thoughtlessly when you know there’s an unresolved fear there.)

And lastly, if you’re looking to overcome the effects of past-life trauma, I’m always delighted to be of assistance.

Hear what some of Ainslie’s clients have to say about how he’s helped them overcome their past-life fears, and how – you too – can work with him to create deeper and more meaningful relationships with your loved ones!