As I mentioned in my last blog post, the focus for February 2016 in my SoulWorld® Community Membership Program is all about spiritual kindness, and how it relates to karma and past lives. When it comes to kindness to others, most of us have no problem doing the right thing. At least we think we don’t. We feel good when we’re kind to others. However, kindness is a two way street. And, there is a significant spiritual component.
Let me give you an example: I spent most of my life thinking kindness was something to be given, not received. I had an easy time helping out, lending cash, giving gifts, offering kind words, and generally being a good human being. I was raised in a family where being stoic was the default mode, and the words, “I don’t want to be any bother” should have been on the clan crest.
Almost 20 years ago, I ended up in San Francisco where, through a friend’s act of kindness, I had a small apartment for a month. With no rent asked for or expected, I felt extreme discomfort. I could give until it hurt, but taking was torture.
The month I spent in my friend’s apartment, in the shadow of the Fairmont Hotel, was formative for me. In my first book, The Instruction, I wrote about a major epiphany I underwent when I heard the voice of a psychic from years before telling me California was where I’d end up. That transformative event happened on the first night. The following four weeks were ones of deep soul-searching and spiritual exploration that ultimately led me to my current path as a psychic guide.
To say I was grateful for the roof over my head, and a place to reassemble my nerve endings after the break up of a major relationship would be an understatement. For the next few years, until my friend died, I felt I had to return the kindness. I insisted on buying her meals, drinks, and gifts, and anytime we went out, I’d say jokingly, “Your money’s no good here.” She never took advantage of my largesse, and would sometimes adamantly insist on picking up the tab. Which only made me feel I had to make up for it by dropping off flowers the next day, or turning up with a bottle of bubbly.
One day, she called up and said to me, “Are you free tonight. I want to try that new Italian restaurant in North Beach.” I’d just been stiffed by a client, and my bank balance was less than zero. I hesitated. She said, “My treat!” And because I couldn’t receive without giving, I told her I was busy.
Now I can look back on those times, and recognize a missed opportunity for giving. I understand now that there was no question my friend had the means to treat me to dinner, and that she just wanted to spend some quality time together. It is obvious to me now that something as simple as my acceptance of her offer would have been a spiritual act of kindness.
Ask yourself:
Are you truly offering kindness to others if you don’t let them express kindness back to you?
Or to put it another way:
Are you really being kind when you receive a warm, fuzzy feeling from doing things for others, while denying them the opportunity to do the same for you?
Kindness to others is a two-way street. Give and take.
In my past, I didn’t want to “be any bother,” by allowing someone else to do the kind of thing that gave me pleasure. Is it possible that while I saw myself as being generous, I was, in some way, being selfish by denying them the opportunity to show generosity to me?
Had I allowed myself to accept the offer of an Italian dinner, not only would I have given my friend the opportunity to give, I would have also had a few extra hours with a friend whose company and conversation I miss.
Kindness to others is a deep – and spiritual – topic, and something worth looking at from various perspectives, which is what we’ll be doing all February in my membership program. So, I’m curious:
- How do you respond when someone offers an act of kindness towards you?
- Are you able to easily accept their offer, or are you more inclined to tell them no thank you?
I would love to hear your answers below!
Hello,
i too have a hard time receiving. So much so that my kids were never encouraged to give a small gift to us during the holidays. Now I regret the missed opportunity of teaching my children to give and I denied them the good feelings of doing something kind for their parents. I also missed feeling remembered and cared because I could not receive.
It’s such an important thing to learn to do, Diane. Never too late to work on it.
Thanks for this, Ainslie. I had the same clan crest as you. Does it happen to all of us with Mc/Mac in our last name? I love helping other people – the team effort, the energy and creativity but like you, I don’t want to be a bother so I do it myself, often feeling abandoned, lonely and overwhelmed. Point taken.
Now what about the other side of the coin of generosity. I’m speaking of no reciprocity on the other side. Invitations and assistance accepted, a good time had, appreciation expressed verbally but never any reciprocity, an unstated assumption that you will continue to make it happen. A definite imbalance.
Your question about the other side of the coin reminds me of something my Spirit Guides said to me once when I felt I was getting no reciprocity. It was about how there are often people who are much more deserving of your attention and kindness. Your intuition will tell you when things are out of balance, and where to put your energies.
Hi Ainslie! Receiving gifts, compliments etc from others was always difficult for me (I felt I didn’t earn/deserve it). Then a numerologist told me something that changed my life! She quoted Osho and it was something like this – when you receive with an open heart, you are actually giving a gift to the giver. If you don’t accept their gift/kindness you aren’t honouring their heart. So in receiving openly, you are essentially giving! Changed my life! When I accept something I say a genuine thank you and I honour their heart. Still tricky at times, but I’ll never forget what that numerologist lady told me.
Kristie xx
Great quote, Kristie! So true.
This sure does resonate! I am still examining and working through my compelling need to reciprocate every kindness. Probably stems from messages I got growing up, watching my mom have a hard time receiving, and that feeling of unworthiness that pervaded in our home. And the guilt trips, well meaning or not, that came when an act of kindness would be accompanied by a sense that I should consider myself lucky to have gotten this kindness. And I owed something back. Having a baby has brought this all up again lately. Fortunately, I’ve been blessed with a mother in law who doesn’t expect anything back when she comes to help out and gives time, money and energy. She doesn’t understand the concept of guilt tripping, and she wouldn’t punish me or throw it back in my face at a later date. She assures me she enjoys giving. And I’ve got a great opportunity to receive and heal that old inferiority complex. Thanks as always Ainslie for your thoughts and words.
Sounds like your mother in law is teaching you some valuable lessons, Laura.
I too was raised to “not want to be a bother”. Now days, people kindness makes me cry because I am so touched. Of course I accept it most every chance I get now. It’s a form of compassion that connects us all.
Great point, Kari. It really is about connection.
“I don’t want to be a bother” and “I don’t need anyone’s help” were the mottos under my parent’s family crests. So this resonates with me too. Offering kindness to others is easy. It’s something I want to do. Accepting kindness from others is harder, but I understand now that helping others to feel joy in giving opens the path for me to feel it too. It also opens the path to offering kindness to myself, which is the hardest road of all. But I’m working on it. … Thanks, Ainslie, for the kindness and generosity you offer to all of us!
Thank you, Lorrie, for being kind enough to acknowledge what I do!
My fierce sense of independence made me unlikely to ever accept help. Like you, I didn’t want to bother anyone, especially if I could do for myself. I really believed that I was totally self-sufficient. And then one day, everything changed.
At 24, I was living 1800 miles from home, with no family nearby, and I had to have an emergency appendectomy. A couple of hours after surgery I was taken to a private room and for some reason, I was only covered with a sheet. I woke up cold and in pain. The nurse call light was nowhere to be found to call for help. At the foot of the bed, were blankets, but I couldn’t reach them, because the incisional pain was too great to sit up and reach down to the get them. For the first time in my life, I felt absolutely helpless. I was shivering and I couldn’t even cover myself. So I lay there in a hospital bed and wept mostly at the years of hubris that led to that moment.
After a time, a nurse’s aide wandered by and quickly realized I was in some distress. She kindly offered to cover me up, get me another warm blanket, and tell the nurse I needed something for pain. My tears then were joyful and thankful, and i understood that my pride was ridiculous. I could see that she was as pleased to have helped me as I was to have been helped.
That day I learned how special accepting another person’s kindness could be. I never forgot it. I think it made me a better person, and it has certainly made me a more compassionate nurse. Some people are just too proud to ask for anything. Like me they considered themselves completely self-sufficient. In caring for them, your approach to offering help and kindness has to be sensitive to that. Being on the other side of the sheets changed my perspective.